Think the blond can even spell "shiksa"?
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Randomize
