You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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