We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
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