i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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