I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
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