He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
tequila makes me forget i have legs
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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