K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Randomize
