I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
