i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
Ketchup is God's man juice
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
Randomize
