Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
Randomize
