I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
