theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
Randomize
