i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
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