Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
