after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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