Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
Randomize
