On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
