so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
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