god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Its okay if i dont like him.his junk is just too good to resist.model penis,lame guy.
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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