why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize