too bad you live with your parents still
apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Randomize
