We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
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