Umm I'm too high to move.
Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
