i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
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