hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
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