I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
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