Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
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