dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
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