I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Randomize
