I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Randomize
