i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
