pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Of course I have a pirate flag
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Randomize
