today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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