I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
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