Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
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