i think my tv is drunk
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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