I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
You should frame my arrest warrant.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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