wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
Randomize
