May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Randomize
