paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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