My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
