I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
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