I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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