i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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