theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
50% drunk capacity currently
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
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