I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
he puts the penis in happiness.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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