there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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