nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Randomize
