Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
