I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
why does every cop we meet know your name?
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Randomize