you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
