Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
