:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
Randomize
