My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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