my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
