Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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