so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
The best revenge is premature balding
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
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