why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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