woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
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