Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
