You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
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