good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Randomize
