I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
i do not condone bathtub ky wrestling
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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