I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Randomize
