also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
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