Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize