would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Randomize
